what i am doing
Friends, for many years I have been formulating a book in mind. If you know me, you know I am not an efficient writer: I write when the mood strikes and the inspiration comes with it. I have tried, many, many times over the last 37 years (I indeed came out of the womb wanting to write) to keep a strict practice, to discipline myself, to get into a rhythm of regular writing and yet…it’s never worked for me, and the things I did write in those moments of force were – frankly – shit. “Keep going” say a lot of writing teachers and books and methods and maybe they’re right because I’ve never kept going past a few weeks. But if the way I write works for me (and seemingly those of you wonderful diehard fans whose texts and replies and hearts are oh so deeply appreciated) (hi mom!) why change it? I am okay with slow. I am okay with the mood striking.
And yet –
I want to get this work out into some recognizable form. I want it to see the light of day. I want it to start conversations, to have it lead to other things, to be something someone discovers on a table somewhere, something they pick up and feel the weight of and think, “Wow, this is special.”
What I want to create is a thing of beauty. A book, to be sure, but one unexpected. One full of feeling – and when I say this I mean actual feeling. I want your fingers to graze over different textures, to be called upon to lift flaps, to open envelopes, to unfold documents. I want your eyes to float from words to images to drawings and I want your mind bouncing from my memories to your own to perhaps someone else’s that you once heard and pretty soon you’re Googling some melody, some lyric that puts you in a place you wholly forgot existed within.
(Me the other day loving life in the cold.)
“I want to finish the book by the time I am 40,” I bizarrely stated a few months ago, having not done the math. But this new year dawned with changes in my personal life, mostly, that have given me some time and space I’ve not had since becoming pregnant. James, who has always been an amazing supporter of me, is becoming even more so. “Go and write,” he said, and I quickly found myself reveling in the liberty of a couple nights to myself each month. Zoe came into our lives last year and has become a member of our family, meeting Wilder exactly where he’s at (in some unhinged version of “baby boat captain” as he oft refers to himself), showering him in true love and wonderful care for a few hours a week.
And so it feels, actually, like I am able to give some attention to this thing held long within me.
For seven years I have been researching and mapping my lineage from its inception in medieval Portugal to my existence today in Montana. This work will culminate in a book with the (working) title of The Natural History of a Woman that explores questions of migration, colonization, belonging, and connection to place through the lens of womanhood. It’s work that uses the thread of my own family’s history to ask broader questions through time and place.
As you likely know, my work manifests in essay but is multidisciplinary: I incorporate photography, video, sound, artifacts, primary sources, and elements found in nature to activate multiple senses when reading.
I have tried to make a straightforward book. But nothing about me is straight and nothing in nature is straight. The more I’ve tried to limit myself in life, the harder life has become. As a result, I’m sitting here today in the Bozeman Public Library (which is incredibly busy, shout out to libraries always and forever) just embracing every fucking word.
Writing this is a bit cringe for me: I don’t like to explain much (cue my mother groaning here, “Sometimes your reader wants to know what the heck you’re talking about!”). I really just like to create something and then throw it out into the wind and see what comes back.
However, I thought maybe some of you would want to know what I am working on, working toward. I also believe that people like to be a part of the process. I am going to keep using this Substack as a place to share essays and research that you may find in the book, and pieces that come to me randomly in the moment. I will be in Portugal in June (for Ellen’s 70th!!! Can you believe it???) and will be spending a few nights in the former judiaria of Guimarães – where my family lived in 1500 before they escaped the Inquisition and fled to Faial. I’ll be in Pico for a week either in April or September, money/schedule dependent. I’ve applied for a writing residency in the middle of fucking nowhere (literally yes, it’s in a wilderness cabin miles from the trailhead) that I’ll hear about soon. I am working this week on like, a structured outline, whatever that is. People say it helps.
There are a lot more important places to give your money, namely, mothers’ pockets. There are no posts on here that will ever be behind a paywall. But if you do choose to support with a paid subscription, know that it means a great big deal to me, and that I am committed to creating art that stirs the feelings of aliveness and connection within all of us.
CJP x